Porcelain Doll

I guess it's my fault. I wanted to write again and I write better when I have negative emotions. Well I'm sad again. What everyone else wants for my life is what happens always. This whole desires of my heart thing never happens. Down to the concerts I go to and the guys I date. whatever anyone else wants for me is what i get. I can't even keep my peace. I'm over it./ I guess the moral of the story is to keep my head down and keep being a slave to what everyone else sees for my life. From the college I go to, to the place I live, to the care I drive. I learned a long tome ago that you can't depend on anyone, not even the one you're supposed to be able to depend on. Promises are empty and pointless.....well back to it being what everyone expects/ Back to being perfect. Quiet. Keep my head down. Do exactly what is expected. Keep your feelings and opinions to yourself. I was made to be a porcelain doll, not to be touched or played with. Made to sit on the shelf to make things look better like they have class like they are where they are supposed to be. I understand that, well back to that it is. Need to make sure my nails are done and my hair is done and I'm in my spot. I don't even have the ability of Andy's toys to move when no one is looking because someone is always looking. They are protecting me from hurting myself, I'm too fragile. I wasn't meant to feel. I was meant to keep the smile painted on my face. Well it's back. I will laugh at the right jokes and talk to the right people. No need to be a real person with real emotions........ Back to feel in the dark and pretending to be happy with everything. Just take what life gives you. I guess it's back to keeping myself sane by writing quietly where no one can see it or cares to see it..... Goodbye to the Anissa I thought I was becoming.....back to the one everyone expects me to be.

Hostile Much

So, I'm currently doing a research project of sorts for our Women's ministry at church. The project is that we have to pick a woman of the Bible, tell her story, and tell how she relates to us. I chose to pick Zipporah, the wife of Moses (the great Israelite Freer) and the mother of his children. My goal was to set out to equate her as his backbone....you know every great man has a strong woman backbone. I started my research, made some amazing discoveries that helped with my theory and then I ran across an explanation of her on one of my favorite Biblical research websites, Biblegateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/all-women-bible/Zipporah# As I read it they talked about how she was a hinderance for Moses because she didn't believe the same things as him and how she was a boring woman to end the list of women in the Bible but I completely disagree. They talk about how she had a different belief system than Moses. But the truth of the matter is that Moses was raised Egyptian, so his moral compass was not yet that of an Israelite. There is a story of them where they talk about the fact that God was going to kill Moses and to stop that Zipporah circumcised their child and touched the foreskin to Moses feet. The circumcision is said to have calmed God's appetite for blood. The writer of the article I mentioned said that this could have been avoided if Zipporah had just shared the same belief as Moses. But who's to say that they ever discussed that. There is no writing in the Bible of when Moses learned all of the ways of the Hebrews when he fled Egypt. Where is the evidence that Moses even wanted his children circumcised. I choose to see this as an attack on women. Since the fall of Eve, women have been looked at as the cause of such affliction. Yes, Eve fell. But so did ADAM!! We have been the bad guys since the beginning of time. Just someone to blame when things don't go right. BUT, I do not choose to see Zipporah as that. I choose to see her as Moses confidant. The one who kept him from going crazy when things got rough. The one who made his exile from Egypt comfortable and bearable. I wanted to write to the writer of the passage on the website but I couldn't find anywhere to write. But I was angry and offended and hurt by it and I knew I needed to write it out......no more holding things in (but that's another post lol). So here it is. As pointless as it may seem to you, it meant amazing therapy for me. LOL

I'm a Brat

So something that I used to pride myself on was being spoiled without being a brat. Like I was always the kid who could take no and be okay with it. Or who understood when i couldn't have something. But as of late I've been realizing that I really am a spoiled Brat. I used to play it off by saying that I just like things a certain way. I'm just particular. I just know what I want in life. But the truth is I want what I want, when I want it, from who I want it. The only real problem with that is that i throw tantrums when I don't get what I want. Not like laying on the floor kicking and screaming, but they might as well be. I mean whether it's at work, or church, or in my relationship, or at home I do it. My tantrums are usually me shutting the world out. When people do something I don't like I have a tendency of never telling them but of shutting them out. I go into a bubbl, I don't answer calls or texts; and yet I don't feel that I need to explain myself to them. The thing is that sometimes it is very warranted, but instead of expressing myself I turn into a recluse. I don't want to talk, I don't want to hear their mouth, and I feel like no one understands. It sucks that the only people I really talk to are LeRonda, Brandon, Jermaine (if we were still talking), and something Bribri. Like I'm in a whole relationship and he will probably never fully understand me because I just can't bring myself to divulge myself to him. I don't want him to see me at my worst which means that he can't know the true me yet. The other problem is that my family always raised me as a Princess and with impossibly high standards, so as I get older it's hard for me to break these habits or to be lacks on what I expect. I like attention --- and I'm realizing that the reason I've been anti-relationship for the past few years is that without a relationship I can have a list of guys and when one is not giving me the attention I want, I can always go to the next. In a relationship you're not supposed to do that. But it's weird when you're dating someone who hates talking on the phone and you love it. Like I guess I already knew it about him but really NEVER? We have NEVER talked on the phone. WTFreak! And when I call to see what he would do if I start a phone convo he doesn't answer.......my other relationship complaint is the same one I've always had, and always dreaded. When someone has you they stop doing what it took to get you. We talk (and by talk I obvi mean text because he doesn't like to talk on the phone) a lot less. His urgency to talk to me and be with me seems so much less than it did when he was trying to get me. And that irks me. I just want someone who stays with the same intensity they always had. Someone who wants me just as bad at day 30 as he did at day 1........ I guess I just complain to much. Oh well, you gotta suck it up and live with your decisions rightr