Conrad Murray

Okay, let me give my disclaimer; I AM A MICHAEL JACKSON STAN!!! Fully and completely. I love the man. My family (mom, me, sis) loves the man. My sister knows more about Michael Jackson than she does most of our extended blood related family. But my views on the case and the outcome are not solely based on my love for MJ and my hurt in his passing.

Conrad Murray was MJ's doctor and was the one that gave him the propofol which was indicated as the drug that killed the singer. -- Propofol is a short-acting, intravenously administered hypnotic agent. Its uses include the induction and maintenance of general anesthesia, sedation for mechanically ventilated adults, and procedural sedation. -- The drug is not a sleeping aid which is how former Dr. Conrad Murray was using it in the case of Michael.

Yesterday, he was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter. -- Involuntary Manslaughter is legal term for the killing of a human being, in a manner considered by law as less culpable than murder.--

The prosecution proved that it was Dr. Murrary's negligence that led to the death of the pop icon. The general argument of the public who disagree with the verdict is that Michael was addicted to the prescription drugs long before dr. Murray and that his death was not solely the fault of the doctor. Now while that may be true it was still the Doctor's legal duty to only use medicine in the ways it was intended and to keep an eye on what his patient was taking. PEople then argue that he didn't want to lose his high paying job so he gave the singer what he wanted. And that right there is the main reason to strip him of his license. If money is what drives you solely that you are not a good doctor. No on with your best interest at heart should ever give you something that they know is wrong for you.

So the question raised is, Is that enough that he should be convicted of murder, even if it is involuntary? And the answer is yes. Because not only did he give the singer the drug that killed him. But, he also left the scene of the crime. WHAT!!!! If you're not guilty, why would you leave? He was afraid? He should have been, he killed on of the most amazing musicians of ALL times .

While I have strong convictions about the case, those who think he was wrongly accused, don't worry; if I'm not mistaken, the maximum sentence that can/will be given to Murray is about 4 years. And, he will lose his medical license which is apparently a blessing from God. Oh, and the civil case is coming up, so we'll all have to see how that turns out.

Random!

So I have a couple of blog posts that I want to do but they all seem rather involved. I want to do one on all the new music that came out yesterday; but there was so much that I don't feel like being coherent tonight. I have one on America's views on marriage inspired by my girl Kim K; but that takes me looking up statistics and such. And I have one on forgiveness; but I don't feel like getting all in my feelings tonight. So instead I'm just going to be random and write about whatever comes to mind. I needed something to keep me up for a while because if I go to bed this early I will be up at like 3am and that's nowhere near healthy. So here I am dear blog. Pouring out whatever is on my mind, and maybe I'll sleep better with a clearer brain.

First,
-- My brand just went blank. Idk what I want to say or talk about or anything. I'm like literally drumming my fingers trying to decide what to type. That sh*t cray lol.

It's horrible. I've already read the recent post from the blogs I follow and commented. Now what do I do?

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUTUBE!!!!

Random: my mom has decided that if I want to live with my future boo before I marriage him it's okay. She said that I should probably live with someone for at least a year before I commit to marriage. She said I need to know what he's like in all season of the year for 24 hours a day. I need to learn his nasty habits and such. And I sort of agree.

I'll write later, found laugh at my pain on YouTube (alright alright alriiiiight)

When Does IT Go Away????

So, my writing playlist consisted of Jhene Aiko's mixtape (Sailing Souls), Jojo's mixtape (Can't Take That Away From Me) and then just some random Frank OCean. Well I'm about halfway through Jojo and her song with Travis Garland "When does it Go Away" came on. And I relate to the entire mixtape but this one specifically gets me every time!! -- Listed below are the lyrics (taken from AZLyrics.com)


"When Does It Go Away"
(feat. Travis Garland)

[Garland]
I swear we both used to say
that we would never walk away
Now when I see your face,
It's like you never felt the same
Explain to me

[Chorus]
How are you okay?
When I can't be around you.
Don't you feel pain that I feel without you?
Cause I have to pretend that you don't make a difference, it's the lie that I'm living in.
When it does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away?

[JoJo]
Baby, my worst mistake
was letting you ever get away, away from me.
And I couldn't see everything
when it was right there in my face
And baby it's killing me...

[Chorus]
How are you okay?
When I can't be around you.
Don't you feel pain that I feel without you?
Cause I have to pretend that you don't make a difference, it's the lie that I'm living in.
When it does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away?

[Garland]
I heard them say that times heals everything.
Every second without you, I'm going insane.
Ain't nothing in the world can help me now, help me now, ooooh.

[JoJo]
I told myself that today I'm moving on.
I can't even breathe now that you're gone, you're my everything.
Let me know when does it go away.

[Chorus]
How are you okay?
When I can't be around you.
Don't you feel pain that I feel without you?
Cause I have to pretend that you don't make a difference, it's the lie that I been living in.
When it does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away, when does it go away?


This song drives me crazy because I really relate to everything that they're saying. Which leads me to my question -- When does it go away?? That time heals all bull isn't seeming to work. I just want it to go away. I mean don't get me wrong. I am in a better place than I was when it first happened. But it's not like I'm not still feeling the effects everyday. His name brings the pain back. Songs on the radio bring the pain back. Seeing his family brings it back. And what's worse is he isn't effected at all. I'm that stupid girl that I judged relentlessly in high school. I'm emotional over someone who couldn't care less. Or at least isn't showing me that he was effected at all. And admittedly he probably doesn't know how deeply it hurt me but I mean he knows something.

And, believe me I've tried all the methods. Remembering all the negatives (but the good seems to outweigh the bad), cutting his family off (but some of them are super important in my life), get under someone new (not literally...... but still), pretend it doesn't effect me (but inside I feel empty). I know I'm a punk. Get over it already right. You can't move on when you're caught up in him.. But as J.Cole said in Miguel's - All I Want Is You; "It's hard to move on when you always regret one."

Don't get me wrong I would love to be over all of this. And am always welcoming new methods of getting over a heartbreak as long as it's NOT just wait it out. Cus that ish don't work. (yes I had to say it like that).

That's all on this topic. Thanks a whole bunch Jojo and Travis Garland for getting me all in my feelings. And incase you were wondering; yes, the song is now on repeat smh.


Here's the song -- I love Jojo's voice


And just for good measure, here's Miguel's video too!

#YouKnowILoveYouWhen

The top (non-promoted) trending topic on Twitter (World Wide) is #YouKnowILoveYouWhen and it got me thinking. How would someone know that I love them. Let me start with a little background on my relationship life.

In every relationship I've been in (during the relationship) I thought I loved the person. And as I'm growing wiser I'm realizing that I did love each of them to the best of my capacity. I loved them with the kind of relationship love that I understood at the time. Which is an easy way to say that I've had friendship love, puppy love, and real love (or what I think was real at this point in my life). And which actually translates into I had no idea what I was talking about during my preteen and early teen years. And that the love that I think I've experienced in my late teen years and early 20's was intense and maybe real love. So at the varying stages of my "love life" the way I show that I love "Him" has varied.

During friendship love it's if I'll share my last with you. If I let you eat off of my plate. If I let you make fun of me without answering back. If I won't discuss politics with you (because I want to keep you as a friend). When I tell you secrets, or share my business with you. When I share my joys and pains with you. When I rejoice in your joys, cry in your pains, and want to destroy those who hurt you. When I despise your enemies more than I dislike my own.

In my puppy love stage:
I would write notes all the time. Stay up on the phone with you. Say I love you a million and one times (true love is shown more than said IMO). I smile just from the mention of your name or it showing up on my phone.

When I love you for real:
It's a mixture of my friendship love and puppy love but with so much more. I become your biggest cheerleader. I will fight my family for you. I trust you with every detail of me. I'd kill for you. I'd die for you. Your enemies become my enemies. Your friends, become my acquaintances (I don't add friends easily). I trust your judgement. You could have my last. There is pretty much nothing I would withhold from you. You can share my family. Your problems worry me (probably more than they worry you). Your well being is all that I care about. Even when/if it ends I still love you. I find it hard to remember the negatives. I still get butterflies. Every love song makes me think of you. I write you poetry and love stories and letters (that you'll probably never get to read lol). I have the ability to hate you.

Love to me is beautiful but with a lot of work. But overall when I truly love you be it friendship or relationship or even family love I model it after 1 Corinthians 13. It says : 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,a but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;b 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Now that's real love :) <3

My Battle WIth Complexion

The challenge of complexion in the African American culture is age old. During slavery it is known that lighter skin made life easier for you, you could work in the house as opposed out in the harsh land of the plantation. After slavery it was light skin was better because if light enough you could pass as white. And then, it became that even in our own race mean and women liked lighter skin on the opposite sex more(for what reason I really don't know).For people who don't have to deal with this regularly (because you are not African American or because you have the medium brown skin or you have the lighter skin complexions) it is thought that this is no longer and issue. It's 2011 right? People don't judge people based on their skin color. And certainly not within their own race based on complexion. But you would be surprised just how often it still happens. In fact this is not only an African American issue, I know from research and books that it is also an issue in some Middle Eastern cultures. But I can only speak on my own experience which is with my own beloved African American brothers and sisters.

My complexion issues started when I was old enough to understand what I heard. When I was little I always heard my great aunts and uncles rag on my great -aunt Debbie because she was the darkest of the 11 brothers and sisters. They would make fun of her and call her names like blackie and say that she was found on the doorstep because no one in the family was that dark. I would hate going down to West Philadelphia to see my family because not only did they make fun of me because I was suburban but I also had to hear them attack the person that in my mind I most closely resembled in complexion.

And when summer came it would get worse. Like any other child I loved to play outside. And with a birthday in June I was a true summer baby. I loved the beach and the park and amusement parks but what did that do to my already dark complexion? It made me even darker. I would get things like you must be African, and you look like a tootsie roll, and you're blacker than the night, and you have to go inside when the sun sets because your parents are afraid they'll lose you at night. And me being the closet sensitive child that I was I cried. All the time. Side Bar: it cracks me up that my big cousins always called me the tattle tail but I never told when they truly hurt me. And knowing my mama they are lucky I didn't -- anyway

So as I got older I would do my best to stay out of my beloved sun. I hated my summer complexion. I took way more pictures in the dead of winter when all of the summer complexion was gone and I was pretty pale. Which brings me to what caused me to write this today. I was putting on lotion and I remembered that one of the reason's I hated putting on lotion was it made my color shine. I'm lucky because without lotion I don't really look ashy; I usually look pale. And looking pale makes your complexion lighter. So in the winter I wouldn't put on lotion so that I could look really really pale. In the right lighting maybe even look brown skin as opposed to dark brown.

But my struggles didn't end with my cousins when I was too little to defend myself. It came from tv growing up and watching how being light was so coveted. And, I could see how "light-skin was pretty". It was easy to be a pretty black girl as long as your skin wasn't too dark. and of course your peers are always the meanest to you. A year ago I was reminded of my insecurities. -- Because, see the thing about insecurities is they stay with you, and your coping mechanisms for them continue. But when they aren't thrown in your face it's easy to forget why you don't go to the beach without an umbrella or why you don't put on lotion in the winter (or summer when you can help it)--

I began working at Prudential and one of my colleagues was a bi-racial young man in his mid 20s. He always had snide remarks about my complexion. I mean i have to preempt with the fact that we had a play fight sort of relationship. We were mutually rude to each other. But usually not for the things about us that we don't have any control over. But one day he commented on my complexion. I took it in front of him - because I try my hardest not show weakness-- but it really hurt. It bothered me all day and all night. I cried about it a little. And over the next couple of months he started to say things about it more and more. Like he was just seeing my complexion for the first time. Like how freaking dare he. But of course instead of saying to him can it, I went through a couple of months of crying a lot and hating my complexion all over again. Summer came and I started avoiding the sun again (which was easier because i wasn't working at the summer camp I usually worked at). And I started avoiding mirrors again like I was a pre-teen all over again. It was painful but in my mind I was again made at my beautiful dark skinned daddy and his family for this complexion he gave me.

His snide remarks went on for a couple of months and I was dying a little inside. Finally I was like okay listen, either you shut the ---- up or don't speak to me. (Sorry Jesus but I was not a good example of you in that moment.) I don't know if he really ever stopped but I came to grips with it. It became easier for me to ignore him and to overlook the comments. But it's so easy to fall back into that place of hurt when people start to go after that one thing about you that truly eats at you.

Now, let me not sit here and make you feel sorry for me because everyone was so mean about my complexion. Because, that is honestly not true. There has always been a steady stream of people in my life who have loved my complexion. Who have always said how beautiful my dark skin is. How flawless it can look (God's gift because he knew they wouldn't make many foundations for this deep a complexion) and just sometimes how much they wish that there skin was so dark.

When my dad passed it was one of the things that helped me always feel close to him. I look like my daddy (more so if you know him) and a big part of that is that I am closer to his complexion that my mommy's. But it was one of those things that there was no question that I got from him lol.

And part of my growing up process is God teaching me to love the exact woman that He made me. And a great part of that is loving the skin that I'm in. With the eczema and scars and softness and complexion. My God doesn't make mistakes and I'm made in his image whether I'm Lily white or charcoal black. And, I'm in the midst of learning to love me for me.

I really write this to just remind people to be mindful of what you say. Not even always what you say directly to kids, but also what you say in their presence, about the people the admire, and the people they see themselves in <3


India.Arie makes our different complexions sound so delicious in her song Brown Skin

30 BY 30 (2018)

This is the list of things that I would like to do by the time I turn 30 (which is only 7 years away). It was inspired by the cubickle chick who was in the mist of writing her 40 by 40. It seemed like a fun idea so here it is!!


30 Before 30 (2018)
1. Vacation Outside of the Country
2. Visit Las Vegas, Nevada
3. Visit New Orleans, Louisiana
4. Visit California (preferably Los Angeles)
5. Learn to play the guitar
6. Go on vacation alone
7. Get a memory tattoo for my dad
8. Buy a car
9. Move out
10. Rent a Beach house for a week
11. See India.Arie in concert
12. See Lil Wayne in concert (again)
13. Hand write a letter to someone and mail it
14. Bungee Jump, Sky Dive, or Zip Cord
15. Visit a Spanish speaking country
16. Do Karaoke
17. Learn A New Language
18. Go to Six Flags
19. Go to Disney World (again)
20. Visit Miami, Florida
21. Swim with Dolphins or Sharks OR snorkel
22. Have a Birthday Party
23. Get a Tattoo from Miami Ink/NY Ink/LA Ink
24. Go a comedy show
25. Get a MacBook (Air or Pro)
26. Go to an Eagles game
27. Be in a sky box at the Wachovia Center (for a game or concert)
28. See a Philadelphia sports team play in a place other than Philadelphia
29. Meet someone who plays for a Philadelphia Sports Team
30. Get my makeup professionally done.

Hiiii

It's been such a long time since the last time I posted on here and man have I missed it. But my laptop has been having crazy moodswings and it doesn't always want to work for me so I decided to just give it a break. But today I'm here with a brand new realization. And that is that I am way to accessible. Cell phones and social media have made it very easy to have "friendships" without ever seeing one another. I want to go back to hanging out with friends. I hate knowing about my friends lives from FB and such. I want to sit and hold conversations and to actually talk to one another. That is all for now.

Motivated Again

The motivation for me is them telling me what I could not be!!!!!

Wit's End

Ever had a moment that was so bad that you were afraid to write it down because that could make it real. Yea welcome to my day..... Just know that I have just gone into my bubble. Like no Facebook, Twitter, BBM, Text, Phone Calls; I am not communicating if I can help it because once again my emotions have been held in too long and I may snap out on someone and that's not safe --

Stuck

I am so stuck in more ways than one that it is driving me nuts. I have no idea what to do with anything anymore. I'm stuck in life, in love, in absoloutely everything.

1. So this writing thing. I have finished that one piece that I was working on and sent it to my friend. I am terrified but that was the first step. Letting someone else read what I'd written. I am so scared to see what she says that i am actually dreading it. I kind of don't even want her feedback anymore. If I could unsend it I probably would. But she has it now, she told me she has it, and now I'm nervous.

2. Life: I have nothing to do, nothing is going the way I'd planned. But that's life right? I am just existing. I know I'm not loving up to my potential but I just don't know how to anymore.

3. Love -- still love him and that super sucks. Nothing else to say about it but that.

And: I am going to write something her that I never written out, said out loud, even really thought in the presence of people. I feel God calling me to do something and I'm not entirely sure what it is. I've felt his tugging for a while but I'm not sure exactly what he wants from me. I want to say that he want's me to conuncel young people but I feel like he may want me to preach to them, well preach in general. I mean it could also just be that I feel this way because when you've been in church so long you naturally feel like he may want you to preach. I mean I may just want to be important in and of myself. That may be what the real issue is. I think I need a sign and I know what kind of sign I want but I just don't know. Am I being like Gideon wanting a sign when the signs are all around me? And how can I preach the word of God? I am no where near without blame. I'm so broken and full of sin why would anyone want to listen to me talk. There are too many people who know what I've done that wasn't so pleasing to Christ.

Maybe that's why I feel stuck, because I;m ignoring God's calling on my life. But how can I be sure that it's God's calling and not just a thought going on in my head? ;m confused and I'm not sure if I'm confused because I want to be or because I really don't know what to believe. I know that I need to work with young people in some capacity but I have no idea what capacity that is. I just want to teach them so that they never have to experience anything of what I've head to deal with. Just praying for guidance for now. Should someone happen to stumble on this please pray for me as well.

Confirmation

So this book thing. I was going strong for a couple of days and then over the weekend and yesterday I was kinds of in a rut and was like yea no I don't know if I want to do this anymore. What is there to be said, will anyone care about what i write. Should I just let this go. But, then yesterday this guy that Im facebook friends with BBM'd me and was like I love the notes you've written you should write a book. I was so stuck, I literally laughed and was like wow you're not the first person to say that. I didn't tell him that i was in the midst of writing two, I was just at a loss for words. It felt like a confirmation. And then I got a bbm message from someone else with my verse Jeremiah 29:11 in it and I remembered that God has plans for me to do well and be great. And then my horoscope said - "You know what you want, but for once, you are almost completely unable to articulate it -- it's like trying to explain an important dream to someone who doesn't know you well. Wait for inspiration in a few days." So yea, I know what I want and though I'm not really ready to tell anyone I think this may be the way I want to go. I am going to trust my friend Marianne with it though. I think I am going to email her both of the stories I've started within the next couple of days. In fact, I think I may wait until Friday just to see how far I can get with these stories and if maybe I can complete the most recent one that I've started.

I've decide to write a book!

So I've been thinking long and hard about what I want to do right now. And recently three different people asked me if I'd ever considered writing a book. And the honest to goodness truth is yes. In junior high I was writing a book about me and my friends' experiences called 'How to Deal,' but when we left the junior high everything that was saved to our user names was erased and I'm not sure if I ever saved it to a floppy disk or anything. Through high school and college I started numerous other books and even during my time at Prudential I started a book. But I haven't finished any of them. So today I started writing a new book and I'm planning on finishing this one. Maybe this is what i am supposed to do in life. Words reach so many people and reading and writing were always my world away from the world when I really needed it so why not provide that to someone else. I have a lot to say, I always have why not put some of it out there for people to read. Right now I'm writing a fiction piece about a girl and her transition from high school to college. That's all I know about it right now. I usually like to let my writing take shape as I write it so I don't know the climax yet or the conflict or the resolution but I have faith that it is going to be something great. I also think that I am going to put together the random poetry that I've written over the years. Who knows, maybe I'll even finish the very random stories that I've already started. But so far I am enjoying writing this book (granted I just started today). But I have finished the first part and am on to the second part. We'll see where this goes. I'll keep you posted. And who knows maybe one day I'll become important enough for these random ramblings to mean something to someone and you may get a shout in the book where the put together all my blogs :)

Our Deepest Fear- Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Wait??? Obama got Osama??

So on Sunday night 5/1/11 around 11pm the end of an era was announced. It was announced that Osama Bin Laden (the best hide and go seek player) who'd been elusive fore about 10 years was found and killed. They also reported that he was buried at sea -- either in accordance with Muslim tradition or because there was no place on land to bury him; not sure which is the true reason-- Of course, like with everything else the government does there are doubts that they actually killed Osama since there aren't any pictures. Although a report early this morning said that they would be releasing a picture of Osama today.

What really is getting to me about this is the was people are celebrating death. Don't get me wrong when I first heard about it I was ecstatic as well and then I had to take a step back and think. Am I really celebrating the killing of someone. No, I am not, I cannot. I don't care how evil he was since when do we celebrate the loss of life?

Don't get me wrong I will celebrate what it symbolizes. The end of an era, closure for the families who lost people during 9/11 and to the subsequent war but really killing one man doesn't really do anything. It's really Osama's 'goons' that we should be worried about. Osama Bin Laden didn't fly a plane or attack our troops he had people who did that. He just sat back and received the credit. He sent us threatening messages, he was pretty much just a talker. And retaliation levels are going to be at an all time high. I'm more afraid for our troops now than I was when he was living.

Don't get me wrong. I commend President Obama for doing yet another thing that Bush couldn't get accomplished. It was brave of him to go in and get Osama. And I trust that they weighed all options and decided that killing him immediately was the safest thing to do; I just refuse to dance and celebrate us stooping to his level and taking a father/husband away from his family.

What has disturbed me more about this was seeing the true colors of a great deal of people. There are so many people saying he didn't deserve to live and that he deserved to die and every one of them has been a Christian friend or family member of mine. I just can't understand how people who had Christ die for them can say that a person doesn't deserve life. You don't know what they deserve or what Christ could have done in their life.

One of the disciples from camp said that he could have become a Christian and one of the counselors said that they thought that was highly unlikely. But what it made me think of was Paul. He persecuted Christians and then became one. Who are we to say who God can and cannot use. Who he will and will not use. We are no longer than Osama if his death is making us cheer. Do we as a country no longer have a soul or a heart??

Sexual Vs Sensual

I am starting to learn that sexual and sensual, though related, are very different things. I was thinking about music and I was thinking of how people say that today's generation has way too much sex in our music and I realize that they are right. There is nothing wrong with sexy but there can be something wrong with raw.

Sexual music appeals to our animalistic nature and makes you horny.
-- Let me throw in this disclaimer before I move forward; there is a time and place for both types of music; but 3 year olds should not know the sexual content of a son......MOVING FORWARD-- A song that I think is very sexual in nature would have to be Chris Brown's - No Bullsh*t. That song is just so raw. Everything is spelled out, even down to wear he keeps the condoms. Don't get me wrong, sometimes that's how it is but should that come on the radio at 2 in the afternoon when I'm riding with my 6 year old sister? Probably not!!

Sensual music makes you feel sexy which may lead you to horny but it's more than that. Sensual music warrants bubble baths, and wine. It makes you want to put on sexy lingerie and seduce your man as oppose to ravish him like a starving animal. A sensual song I think might be Raheem DeVaughn's Customer. It just puts you in a sexy mood. You know he's going to take his time once he finally gets you to that point, but before that he is going to treat you like royalty with the way he's going to take care of.

The thing is young people today don't know the difference between sensual and sexual. It's as simple as the difference between 'baby making' music and 'f*cking' music.

The debate can even spill over to clothes. Young ladies, and men don't realize that to be sexy you don't have to be naked. And that sensuality will attract a man (a good man) quicker than him being able to see a piece of your a** because your skirt is so short. The man you attract dressed like that is the one that sees you scantily clad and thinks that it means that it will be no real challenge to get you to show him the few parts of your body that aren't covered. A woman can be sexy in anything from sweatpants to jeans to a simple black dress.

I guess that's why people believe that the younger generations are a lost cause. Hey it is what it is I guess.....

As TRoy from Power 99 says "these are just my thoughts on what I've been thinking"

Pornstar to Boyfriend??

Hmmmm, so I just watched an episode of the Real World: Las Vegas and one of the cast members (Dustin) was found out to have done porn and gay porn at that. He was at that point dating another roommate (Heather) who was very upset about the fact that she verbalized her apprehension to enter into a relationship who could have done anything with another man and how she felt about the fact that Dustin didn't let her know about it from the beginning.

It made me think could I date an ex-porn star. And if I could go for someone who did gay porn. The thing about the gay porn that paused me was the fact that Dustin said that he is straight and that he was able to engage in homosexual behavior with not feeling. I do know that they majority of men who do gay porn are straight (don't ask me how I know), and I don't know how I feel about that. But what I really cannot do is the fact that there is no feeling. I really don't want to be with any man who can detach sex from emotion. Especially when it doesn't even matter to you that it is someone of the same sex giving you the pleasure -- if you say you are strictly heterosexual. That's so animalistic and humans are supposed to be better than the common beast. It actually sickens me a bit.

Let me give a disclaimer I am not against homosexuality or bisexuality; who am I to judge. But I am against people who can't even make a decision about what they are or what they like. I think it's unfair and is a sign of immaturity. If you like guys like guys; if you like girls like girls; if you like both like both but freaking say it. Don't sleep with men and say you only like women. That is so backwards and retarded. Like I just don't get it.

On the subject of just doing porn, being a porn star -- still NO. I cannot date someone who does or did porn. Oh heck to the naw. I am way too much of a possessive person to have a man who so many other women have had. I just can't think about the fact that he's slept with so many people. I mean I just don't want that. I don't like a regular man who's been inside too many women. And then besides the people that he's actually had sex with there are the large number of other people who have seen his stuff. I don't want there to be a possibility that someone watching us out on a date together, or getting married, or having a child has seen all of his goods. It's just weird to me.

So for me it's a no go. And even more of a no go if he lied about it in the beginning of the relationship like Dustin did. That just makes the entire situation even worse.

That's all for now folks....

Tights and Glasses sort of day =D

Weeeellllllllllllllllllllll............. yea so today is the kind of day where super chilling is necessary. The kind of day where you tie your hair back, throw on some tights, and don't even bother to put your contacts in. (That's my version of Drake's sweatpants, hair tied, chillin with no make-up on) Chilling on the couch with my laptop, iPods, and a nice cup of tea. So what else does that mean? Another random ass blog post from me. So what's on my mind today, who knows.

I've kind of been thinking about how anti-social I'm becoming. I'm nervous that I get that from my mother. She says "that's why I don't make friends because they expect you to be all friendly and do stuff friends do." It's crazy how I have aspects of my mommy and daddy. Thank God I'm a Gemini or I might go crazy. I mean my daddy was a super social person and he knew someone everywhere we went -- I have that aspect of him. I can run into people almost everywhere I go, it's a little ridiculous actually lol. I am such a moody person too. I have the days where I want to be super social and then days like today when I kind of just want to be left alone and be allowed to zone out with my music. They sad part is I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be able to do this.

Today is the day before Easter, and like usual dinner is at our house, which means that I need to help my gmom get ready. What does that entail? Helping clean, helping cook, making the last minute store runs....luckily though right now, my gmom is out with her friend Ms Word so she can't bother me. But honestly if she wants help she better get in soon because I'm going to bed at like 7 to be prepared for sunrise service tomorrow.

Every year we have sunrise service on Resurrection Sunday which is no biggie but I need to be awake and ready to sing for 6 am service tomorrow. And I need to be able to stay awake through Sunrise service, Easter breakfast, Sunday School play, regular service, and communion and then to entertain and clean up after family dinner tomorrow night.

I really don't mind the last thing that i have to do. I honestly love every moment with my family. I love spending time with them, just be around them. Hold my little cousins, learn from my older cousins. I feel so sorry for people who don't get along with their family. I am so blessed to be a part of the Williams family; they honestly make me happy. Even when I'm in my most anti-social mood I love being with my cousins.

My "bestie" just bbm'd me and made me think of something. Of all my friends I'm not sure how many of them are really life longers. I mean I am slowly realizing that there are a lot of people in my life who are just there. They don't better me --not that they bring me down-- but they are helping me with anything. When I say that I don't mean they have to do things for me but they need to add something to my life. For example; Meredith and Rachel -- I've decided that they are life longers. One I went on vacay with them and spent 9 hrs in a car with just them when i was exhausted and never got tired of them. And to add to that they are amazing;y positive for my spiritual life. They encourage a closer relationship with Christ and that is something that you need in a good friend. They need to make your life better and what could make my life any better than a great relationship with my Savior. I can talk to them about my spiritual growth and know that they care just as much about my relationship with God as I do. I am so thankful for their presence in life.

I'm not sure what else I want to write in the context of this blog. I think that's it for now, doesn't mean I won't be back later.....time to go listen to these 164 new songs I downloaded yesterday :)

Music = a very HAPPY Anissa =D

More Random Ramblings

Random Notes on my iPod touch:

Thoughts:
So I often sit and think , How did I become the person I did? Where did my thought process come from? How did I develop the skills I did? Why am I so unique?


I've always been a silver lining type of girl; a wish upon a star type of girl; a little joy in every pain type of girl...so when your say you're leaving all I see are the positives ;)

Quotes:

"Who are you to tell me how to conduct myself; why don;t you practice safe sex and go f*** yourself" -Fabolous


Quotes from the Five People you Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom:

"Strangers are just family you have yet to come to know"

"No life is a waste, The only time we waste is the time we spend thing we are alone."

"We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us, But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do is to ourselves."

"Love lost is still love, Eddie. It just takes a different form, that's all."

A Dream Deferred - Langston Hughes:

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in he sun!
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over --
Like a sugary sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load
Or does it explode?

Randomnation

So I came onto my blog today thinking that I wanted to write about the prospect of Donald Trump running for President and then I got here and realized that while I still want to post about that, right now what I really want to talk about are some random things.

1. I am a pretty good judge of character. I was just looking at the post I wrote previously about being young and dating men with children and realized that a previous best friend names Janay posted a comment on it. And what i realized was that what she said was very true, we will always be on the same wavelength. The reason we're no longer as close as we used to be has absolutely nothing to do with us not getting a long or some crazy fight like a lot of friendships end. It was simply because as we grew up we grew closer to other people than each other. I still love Nay to death and I know if I really needed her or needed advice talking to her would always be an option. And I love that. I knew she was a great person when I met her in 5th grade (or was it 6th) and she has not disappointed. She's still an amazing young woman <3

2. I am so spacey sometimes. I had 3 un-finished blog posts sitting in my list of post. I realized 2 things about them, I wanted them posted and I had no idea where I was going with any of them. And that led me to realize that (even though my mama says it's not true) I have slight A.D.D. And maybe not full blown A.D.D. but I am easily distracted, easily bored, and I move on from things so quickly. And that includes so many things. I can be totally engulfed in a guy on week and think he is utterly disgusting the next week. It's crazy how quickly I lose interest in things. Even things that I love like writing.

3. Which leads me to numero tres. Once I feel better (if that's the reason I started writing) or if there is something else to cure my boredom I move one. And maybe sometimes without finishing what I was writing. But I don't really care how people feel about that because I write to release and once it is released there are way too many other things that I need to take of to just sit still and just write. Explains my twitter name a bit, I truly am Miss Busy Bee -- there is always something that I probably should be doing.

4. I saw the draft of me about to write about what was then the upcoming "Bestie Weekend." What that weekend taught me are 3 solid things about myself. 1. I am easily annoyed 2. I quite enjoy being alone 3. I can't spend too much time with any one person. And I'm not at all ashamed of that. I need a lot of variety. Blame it on my being a Gemini. Both sides of me needs to be stimulated and I need a change of people just as much as I need a change of scenery.

5. Why do people feel the need to fill every second of silence with their own voice. I think silence is the most beautiful thing. I love to just take a deep breath and there be silence. The true test of any relationship for me is if we feel comfortable being silent together. We can't just be together in the quiet. And by quiet I usually mean just without talking. We can't just watch tv, or just chill. My grandmother, sister, and aunts are the biggest culprits. Like seriously just be quiet. No one needs to hear your voice every moment you're awake. Like seriously can you say nag.

6. I tweet and write a whole lot more than I talk. I mean don't get me wrong I can talk a great deal if I have something to say but I blog and tweet the most random ish all the time, I just feel like I want to write out what's going through my head. I think the reason being is that I feel like if I tweet it, blog it - it doesn't count as me talking to myself. Which I do a great deal of. And I think a Wayne verse if perfect for this moment "Talking to myself because I am my own consultant"; I mean who could give me better advice for myself but myself lol

What Do I Want

When I was 7 years old I had my entire future mapped out. I knew what college I wanted to go to, that i wanted to be, when I would get married, when I would have kids, where I would live, what car I would drive but as I sit in front of my laptop (something I'd never heard of at 7) I'm more lost than I have ever been. So college is over and I didn't go to the school I wanted to at 7; basically because when I went for the visit it just didn't fit anything that I wanted out of my college experience. I didn't even graduate from the college I decided I loved since it got to expensive and I had to switch to a school much closer to home. I'm not done with school I do still want that law degree but it feels a little weird. At 7 I wanted to be married at 18 and have had my first child by 21 (honing in on what my grandmother did) but as 18 started to approach and became closer than 7 was I realized I was not yet over my selfishness enough to become a wife or a mother. They are still my very main goals in life. I want to be a good wife and a great mommy and to give my babies all of the best chances in life and I can't do that if I'm still out trying to have my youth. This is becoming more and more evident as this latest baby boom has hit and I see all of the people who are turning out to be terrible parents. I'm realizing more that I want to learn as much as I can and experience as much as I can so that I can talk to my children about everything I've experienced to help them get through whatever. And how can I be a great wife when I still want to travel the world with my girlfriends and flirt with boys in different states and countries. According to astrology as a Gemini I am the most likely of the signs to commit an infidelity in a relationship and though I haven't yet and due to the pain I've seen my family experience through infidelity I don't believe that I will -- but I do want to give myself the best chances at a healthy, life long marriage. I want to figure out who Anissa is before the labels of wife and mother are placed on me and I lose my identity in my family. Not that I think that that is a bad thing, it's what I want, but I don't want to have to do that until I've lived my life. I just want to take that time.

And the reason for this whole rant thingy really has to do with my career. Law is an eventually thing I am sort of thinking that I want to try my hand at being a personal assisitant. All of last week I was playing Personal Assistant for my mother while she was getting everything ready for her birthday party that was Saturday, I tweeted about how I was playing personal assistant and somneone aksked if I was one because they were looking for one, I gave her my email and told her to send me the details but she hasn't sent them yet. And then today a FB friend who is a musician is

7 DAYS :)

In just 7 days the first annual bestie's weekend will be commencing in Atlanat, Georgia. I am way too excited for a mini vacay from real life and to see my best friend who I haven't seen since July.

Thank God For Music

I'm sitting here and I have my iTunes Dj directing the musical stylings for the day and I am realizing how blessed we are to have music. I don't verbalize my feelings well in the least bit. But music has always been that bit of an escape for me. If I'm happy, if I'm sad, if I'm missing someone, if I'm angry - to bite off of the apple slogan- there's a song for that. I don't have to do anything but listen and it's almost like whatever is wrong just disappears. Combine music and writing and I can't have a bad day.

I like to think back to when I was a little girl and would sing in my hair brush, in my room, with the music turned all the way. Just shutting out everything that is wrong with the world. Okay, let me tell they truth that was me just earlier today. Music has the ability to make you feel sexy, untouchable, angelic, anything that you need to feel music can do that.

Not only does it make me feel every emotion I need to feel but it also let's me know that everything is okay. When I'm listening to music and the writer is writing about what I'm feeling I know that I'm not crazy. That I'm not the only one who's gone through this, or felt this way, or made this mistake. It's theraputic.

Whether I need reassurance that God loves me, or that love is hard sometimes, or that it's okay to not be "in love" at the moment; music provides that. It doesn't need for me to explain what's wrong. Or to know who did it. Or why I made the decisions I did. It just fixes everything - at least for the moment. It even gives advice.

In brown sugar, Sanaa Lathan's character was writing a book that she penned as her love letter to hip-hop. And while I love hip-hop I can't limit my love letter to just one genre. A song from every different style of music has entered my body at a point and healed some part of me. So this blog post is my love letter to music. One of the true loves of my life. You never really disappoint me. Even if I dislike one song or one album or even one genre there is another one right there that makes me fall in love all over again. The way you touch my emotions makes me feel like you must know voodoo. You empower me, you take over me, you make me laugh, you make me cry and I love you for that. You embody everything that I need in life and so much more-- now if only I could find you in man form everything would be all gravy...I love you, I need you, I want you, and I am so blessed to have you!

Being Young and Dating Someone Else's 'Baby Daddy'

So I just read a post on NicoleBitchie's page in reference to being under 25 and dating a man with kids and why it is a no go. - http://bitchielife.necolebitchie.com/2011/03/babies-mamas-should-childless-women-under-25-date-men-with-kids/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BitchieLife+%28Bitchie+Life%29&utm_content=Twitter - The crazy part is that it totally opened my eyes to a lot of things and made me think -- maybe at 22, someone being a father isn't such a bad thing to have be a negative on my list of what I look for in a man.

Let me premise this by saying, I love children and fully support the young men who are fathers taking care of their children. And let me also say that I have dated men with children here and on the way so I do speak from experience. And what my experience has taught me is that it is okay to be ultra selective in my early twenties.

Like the article said I have my 30s and 40s to be a mama and a stepmama if it turns out that way, I should be enjoying these years without the responsibility of child. And when I think about it, why should my life be completely altered so young for a decision that you made that had nothing to do with me.

In my first experience the man that I was dating was a single father. He was great with his little girl, loved her so much, was the kind of father that I want my future children to be blessed to have but I was only 18/19. He was making grown up decisions and I was still deciding what clubs to join in college. He had to make the right decisions for his child which I commend but those weren't always the right decisions for me. I love that little girl so much but I was in no place to be her step-mom at 18 than I am at 22. The relationship really ended when he decided to move to Atlanta with his family because it would be better for his daughter. There was question of me going with him but honestly I wasn't ready to be that selfless. I didn't have any desire to be in Atlanta, I was still in school, and to be honest I couldn't see myself as his wife. And to make matters worst there was no talk of marriage and I'll be damned if I'm changing my location to become someone's second baby mama. The young man and I are still friends and I get updates about how his beautiful little girl is growing up but I watch them grow and know even more now than I did then that being with him and playing mommy to her was not the way to go, and I am thankful to God for the guidance there.

My second situation involved my "first love". I'd known him before he became a father and dated him before he was a dad as well. We have that sort of torrid off again on again, i hate you I love you sort of relationship and during one of our off agains he got some female pregnant. So when we got back together he had a baby on the way. And here I was thinking that since I try not to invite drama in my life we would be good. The problem is that I knew that the young lady was drama well before I got back into this but I figured she and I wouldn't have to deal with one another. But dealing with her took the precedence in the relationship with him. There was drama morning, noon, and night. He couldn't deal with her, me, his family, school, work and I certainly couldn't do the same. Especially since she wasn't my dog on baby mama. And to make matters worse, I had my family in my ear telling me I didn't need to be dealing with this and my friends in my ear telling me to let it go. But of course I wasn't listening; sadly I never did/do when it comes to this young man. The relationship ended before the baby got here because honestly I just can't be involved with drama that long. He since has another baby with the same young lady who at 22 and now has 4 children by 3 men; and of course they're not together.

So going through those two situations I must agree with the article. I can say that I want a man with a job, with a degree - or some equivalent-, with strong faith.....why can't I say I want a man without a child. I know it sounds mean but honestly he should be focused right now. He should be making sure his child is taken care of and happy and has everything that they need. He should be spending most of his free time with his child, or family, or friends he doesn't have enough time for me. I mean I have no problem blaming it all on myself and saying that I'm too spoiled to have to compete with your child(ren) right now in life; because I know I will always lose. And I know way too many men who have made it to this point in life without children to believe that it is the norm. And as I said before, why should I have to alter my life for a decision that you and someone else made that had nothing to do with me. I have made a conscience effort not to become a mother yet in life (though I so desperately want children- but I realize that I am not ready); and since I've made that decision I don't think your decision should effect how I live my life.

This so obviously does not include dead beat dads because they're lives aren't changed at all by the presence of their children. But in all actuality I don't want you either-- how can you deny and ignore your own flesh and blood. You have absolutely nothing to offer me. And to the young father's doing it, I commend you, and maybe somewhere in the future would love to get to know you. But we'll have to be friends for at least 3 years before anything can happen. :)