So I just read a post on NicoleBitchie's page in reference to being under 25 and dating a man with kids and why it is a no go. - http://bitchielife.necolebitchie.com/2011/03/babies-mamas-should-childless-women-under-25-date-men-with-kids/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+BitchieLife+%28Bitchie+Life%29&utm_content=Twitter - The crazy part is that it totally opened my eyes to a lot of things and made me think -- maybe at 22, someone being a father isn't such a bad thing to have be a negative on my list of what I look for in a man.
Let me premise this by saying, I love children and fully support the young men who are fathers taking care of their children. And let me also say that I have dated men with children here and on the way so I do speak from experience. And what my experience has taught me is that it is okay to be ultra selective in my early twenties.
Like the article said I have my 30s and 40s to be a mama and a stepmama if it turns out that way, I should be enjoying these years without the responsibility of child. And when I think about it, why should my life be completely altered so young for a decision that you made that had nothing to do with me.
In my first experience the man that I was dating was a single father. He was great with his little girl, loved her so much, was the kind of father that I want my future children to be blessed to have but I was only 18/19. He was making grown up decisions and I was still deciding what clubs to join in college. He had to make the right decisions for his child which I commend but those weren't always the right decisions for me. I love that little girl so much but I was in no place to be her step-mom at 18 than I am at 22. The relationship really ended when he decided to move to Atlanta with his family because it would be better for his daughter. There was question of me going with him but honestly I wasn't ready to be that selfless. I didn't have any desire to be in Atlanta, I was still in school, and to be honest I couldn't see myself as his wife. And to make matters worst there was no talk of marriage and I'll be damned if I'm changing my location to become someone's second baby mama. The young man and I are still friends and I get updates about how his beautiful little girl is growing up but I watch them grow and know even more now than I did then that being with him and playing mommy to her was not the way to go, and I am thankful to God for the guidance there.
My second situation involved my "first love". I'd known him before he became a father and dated him before he was a dad as well. We have that sort of torrid off again on again, i hate you I love you sort of relationship and during one of our off agains he got some female pregnant. So when we got back together he had a baby on the way. And here I was thinking that since I try not to invite drama in my life we would be good. The problem is that I knew that the young lady was drama well before I got back into this but I figured she and I wouldn't have to deal with one another. But dealing with her took the precedence in the relationship with him. There was drama morning, noon, and night. He couldn't deal with her, me, his family, school, work and I certainly couldn't do the same. Especially since she wasn't my dog on baby mama. And to make matters worse, I had my family in my ear telling me I didn't need to be dealing with this and my friends in my ear telling me to let it go. But of course I wasn't listening; sadly I never did/do when it comes to this young man. The relationship ended before the baby got here because honestly I just can't be involved with drama that long. He since has another baby with the same young lady who at 22 and now has 4 children by 3 men; and of course they're not together.
So going through those two situations I must agree with the article. I can say that I want a man with a job, with a degree - or some equivalent-, with strong faith.....why can't I say I want a man without a child. I know it sounds mean but honestly he should be focused right now. He should be making sure his child is taken care of and happy and has everything that they need. He should be spending most of his free time with his child, or family, or friends he doesn't have enough time for me. I mean I have no problem blaming it all on myself and saying that I'm too spoiled to have to compete with your child(ren) right now in life; because I know I will always lose. And I know way too many men who have made it to this point in life without children to believe that it is the norm. And as I said before, why should I have to alter my life for a decision that you and someone else made that had nothing to do with me. I have made a conscience effort not to become a mother yet in life (though I so desperately want children- but I realize that I am not ready); and since I've made that decision I don't think your decision should effect how I live my life.
This so obviously does not include dead beat dads because they're lives aren't changed at all by the presence of their children. But in all actuality I don't want you either-- how can you deny and ignore your own flesh and blood. You have absolutely nothing to offer me. And to the young father's doing it, I commend you, and maybe somewhere in the future would love to get to know you. But we'll have to be friends for at least 3 years before anything can happen. :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
this is why we will always be on the same wavelength... i had two situations like the first and one recently like the last...and i had to end it because i am too spoiled and need too much attention to compete with your child...and when it comes down to it the child will always come first...as they should...so unless that child is mine..i choose to remain unattached
ReplyDelete