Motivated Again

The motivation for me is them telling me what I could not be!!!!!

Wit's End

Ever had a moment that was so bad that you were afraid to write it down because that could make it real. Yea welcome to my day..... Just know that I have just gone into my bubble. Like no Facebook, Twitter, BBM, Text, Phone Calls; I am not communicating if I can help it because once again my emotions have been held in too long and I may snap out on someone and that's not safe --

Stuck

I am so stuck in more ways than one that it is driving me nuts. I have no idea what to do with anything anymore. I'm stuck in life, in love, in absoloutely everything.

1. So this writing thing. I have finished that one piece that I was working on and sent it to my friend. I am terrified but that was the first step. Letting someone else read what I'd written. I am so scared to see what she says that i am actually dreading it. I kind of don't even want her feedback anymore. If I could unsend it I probably would. But she has it now, she told me she has it, and now I'm nervous.

2. Life: I have nothing to do, nothing is going the way I'd planned. But that's life right? I am just existing. I know I'm not loving up to my potential but I just don't know how to anymore.

3. Love -- still love him and that super sucks. Nothing else to say about it but that.

And: I am going to write something her that I never written out, said out loud, even really thought in the presence of people. I feel God calling me to do something and I'm not entirely sure what it is. I've felt his tugging for a while but I'm not sure exactly what he wants from me. I want to say that he want's me to conuncel young people but I feel like he may want me to preach to them, well preach in general. I mean it could also just be that I feel this way because when you've been in church so long you naturally feel like he may want you to preach. I mean I may just want to be important in and of myself. That may be what the real issue is. I think I need a sign and I know what kind of sign I want but I just don't know. Am I being like Gideon wanting a sign when the signs are all around me? And how can I preach the word of God? I am no where near without blame. I'm so broken and full of sin why would anyone want to listen to me talk. There are too many people who know what I've done that wasn't so pleasing to Christ.

Maybe that's why I feel stuck, because I;m ignoring God's calling on my life. But how can I be sure that it's God's calling and not just a thought going on in my head? ;m confused and I'm not sure if I'm confused because I want to be or because I really don't know what to believe. I know that I need to work with young people in some capacity but I have no idea what capacity that is. I just want to teach them so that they never have to experience anything of what I've head to deal with. Just praying for guidance for now. Should someone happen to stumble on this please pray for me as well.

Confirmation

So this book thing. I was going strong for a couple of days and then over the weekend and yesterday I was kinds of in a rut and was like yea no I don't know if I want to do this anymore. What is there to be said, will anyone care about what i write. Should I just let this go. But, then yesterday this guy that Im facebook friends with BBM'd me and was like I love the notes you've written you should write a book. I was so stuck, I literally laughed and was like wow you're not the first person to say that. I didn't tell him that i was in the midst of writing two, I was just at a loss for words. It felt like a confirmation. And then I got a bbm message from someone else with my verse Jeremiah 29:11 in it and I remembered that God has plans for me to do well and be great. And then my horoscope said - "You know what you want, but for once, you are almost completely unable to articulate it -- it's like trying to explain an important dream to someone who doesn't know you well. Wait for inspiration in a few days." So yea, I know what I want and though I'm not really ready to tell anyone I think this may be the way I want to go. I am going to trust my friend Marianne with it though. I think I am going to email her both of the stories I've started within the next couple of days. In fact, I think I may wait until Friday just to see how far I can get with these stories and if maybe I can complete the most recent one that I've started.

I've decide to write a book!

So I've been thinking long and hard about what I want to do right now. And recently three different people asked me if I'd ever considered writing a book. And the honest to goodness truth is yes. In junior high I was writing a book about me and my friends' experiences called 'How to Deal,' but when we left the junior high everything that was saved to our user names was erased and I'm not sure if I ever saved it to a floppy disk or anything. Through high school and college I started numerous other books and even during my time at Prudential I started a book. But I haven't finished any of them. So today I started writing a new book and I'm planning on finishing this one. Maybe this is what i am supposed to do in life. Words reach so many people and reading and writing were always my world away from the world when I really needed it so why not provide that to someone else. I have a lot to say, I always have why not put some of it out there for people to read. Right now I'm writing a fiction piece about a girl and her transition from high school to college. That's all I know about it right now. I usually like to let my writing take shape as I write it so I don't know the climax yet or the conflict or the resolution but I have faith that it is going to be something great. I also think that I am going to put together the random poetry that I've written over the years. Who knows, maybe I'll even finish the very random stories that I've already started. But so far I am enjoying writing this book (granted I just started today). But I have finished the first part and am on to the second part. We'll see where this goes. I'll keep you posted. And who knows maybe one day I'll become important enough for these random ramblings to mean something to someone and you may get a shout in the book where the put together all my blogs :)

Our Deepest Fear- Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.

There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other

people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of
God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

Wait??? Obama got Osama??

So on Sunday night 5/1/11 around 11pm the end of an era was announced. It was announced that Osama Bin Laden (the best hide and go seek player) who'd been elusive fore about 10 years was found and killed. They also reported that he was buried at sea -- either in accordance with Muslim tradition or because there was no place on land to bury him; not sure which is the true reason-- Of course, like with everything else the government does there are doubts that they actually killed Osama since there aren't any pictures. Although a report early this morning said that they would be releasing a picture of Osama today.

What really is getting to me about this is the was people are celebrating death. Don't get me wrong when I first heard about it I was ecstatic as well and then I had to take a step back and think. Am I really celebrating the killing of someone. No, I am not, I cannot. I don't care how evil he was since when do we celebrate the loss of life?

Don't get me wrong I will celebrate what it symbolizes. The end of an era, closure for the families who lost people during 9/11 and to the subsequent war but really killing one man doesn't really do anything. It's really Osama's 'goons' that we should be worried about. Osama Bin Laden didn't fly a plane or attack our troops he had people who did that. He just sat back and received the credit. He sent us threatening messages, he was pretty much just a talker. And retaliation levels are going to be at an all time high. I'm more afraid for our troops now than I was when he was living.

Don't get me wrong. I commend President Obama for doing yet another thing that Bush couldn't get accomplished. It was brave of him to go in and get Osama. And I trust that they weighed all options and decided that killing him immediately was the safest thing to do; I just refuse to dance and celebrate us stooping to his level and taking a father/husband away from his family.

What has disturbed me more about this was seeing the true colors of a great deal of people. There are so many people saying he didn't deserve to live and that he deserved to die and every one of them has been a Christian friend or family member of mine. I just can't understand how people who had Christ die for them can say that a person doesn't deserve life. You don't know what they deserve or what Christ could have done in their life.

One of the disciples from camp said that he could have become a Christian and one of the counselors said that they thought that was highly unlikely. But what it made me think of was Paul. He persecuted Christians and then became one. Who are we to say who God can and cannot use. Who he will and will not use. We are no longer than Osama if his death is making us cheer. Do we as a country no longer have a soul or a heart??