Too Far Gone

I'm starting to believe that I fall just way too easily.... I used to be so hard. But once I started to do the heart work to stop being so guarded, angry, bitter, etc I think I lost some of the walls that I used to have up. I'm known for being able to say "didn't they tell you that I was a savage" - but for some reason with this one I'm not doing to well. When someone admits that they've liked you for a while and the feelings are reciprocated you would think that the next logical step would be to started dating or hanging out or something. You don't expect someone to bring the feelings to the forefront and then tell you I don't want to move forward because I just got out of a relationship. Like dude how dare you make me face my feelings and let them out and then shut me down. Like are you just playing with my emotions? It just hit me, is this God letting me have it for the people who I let reveal feelings and I just used for attention? To be honest I kind of thought the rape was my punishment for that. (But that's another post) But maybe not. Maybe that wasn't enough. Although since then I've been pretty open with each of them. I've told each of them why we can't be anything and given each of them the reasons. I don't know. But I know I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to put myself all the way into something that will never be anything. But on the other end this could be everything that i prayed for and my impatience could ruin it. I'm confused and a bit annoyed. I don't want him to move before he's ready but I also don't like the feeling like I'm on layaway. But this isn't the first time a dude's put me on layaway.... (that's another post too). I guess I don't know what the outcome of this post is supposed to be lol. I just need to write it all out so I could get it out of my head because it was beginning to drive me insane and I didn't want to lash out.....I'm getting better about that. Just wanting to let it be what it's supposed to be when it's supposed to be....Gotta give God full control on this one!!! NOW PLAYING: Notebook - Chrisette Michele

I'm SCARED

Three days ago in the US we celebrated thee Fourth of the July. A day where we celebrate that we as a nation are free. We celebrate the fact that we left England in 1776 and became a nation entirely of our own.... There are those that argue about us stealing the land from the Indigenous people (of with my ancestors are members), there are those who argue the country was built on the back of stolen people (of which my ancestors are members), and there are those who say that in America not everyone is free (especially the black community of which I am a member). Three days ago I was one of the ones who was like why are we so dramatic. We're in America let's celebrate independence. But shortly after that my patriotic side was berated by my oppressed side... In the past 24 hours two black men were killed by police. Each man had a gun, neither man pulled his gun, each man's murder was caught on tape (one on FB live), each man leaves children behind (one was killed in front of his 4 year old);; each man is described as a great man but already the media is showing their "criminal side". The day after America celebrated its independence a father of 5 named Alton Sterling was killed by police. The current report is that someone called to the police to the store where Alton was selling CDs in front of because they said he had a gun. When the police arrived there was no gun. When the man laid dead on the ground dying there was no gun in his hand. Witnesses say that after the man was dead the police reached into his cargo pants, pulled out a gun, and then placed it in their squad car. The report from the store owner, who knew Alton, and allowed him gto cell his CDs outside said that the police attacked him never telling him what he was being arrested for. As the coverage went on we witnessed his 15 year old (the oldest of 5) break down while his mother was deliviring an address at a press conference. When CNN reported the killing they used a mugshot of his from years ago, not any of the many pictures of him smiling or being with his children. The black community began to mourn. The hashtags went up, we spoke his name! And then..... Less than 24 hours later; Philandro Castille happened. This was a black man who was pulled over while in the car with his girlfriend and 4 year old daughter for having a light out. Once pulled over the officers were informed that he had a gun, a license to carry the gun, and where the gun was located. They were also informed where his license and wallet were located. The cop told him to get out his license, the cop then shot him in 5, FIVE, Cinco times WITH HIS FOUR YEAR OLD IN THE BACK SEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The officers then put his girlfriend, the passaganer, the one who went live on FB when they were pulled over, in handcuffs in the back of a police car WITH HER FOUR YEAR OLD. The little girl can be heard in the back seat comforting her mom and saying it's okay mom, I'm right here. The girlfriend was the detained UNTIL 5AM THE NEXT MORNING and was kept away from her daughter for that time. They didn't give them food or water; WHAT DID SHE DO WRONG?????? This man was a supervisor of food at a school, he had a license to carry, no record! So why am I scared? - I'm scared because this is not the first time cops have killed African Americans. They were not convicted in like any of those cases. - I'm scared because I love black men! - I'm scared because no one is policing the police. - I'm scared because even when you comply you can be killed - I'm scared because most of my white friends aren't speaking out - I'm scared because people don't see the value in black life - I'm scared because I have uncles and cousins and brothers and friends who are black - I'm scared because we are being exterminated and no one seems to care - I'm SCARED!! I'm scared and I'm scarred. I'm sad and I'm angry. I'm sad that there is no one to protect us if the ones we call to protect us are the ones killing us. I'm sad because there are 6 children (just from these two incidents) who no longer have their dads and now have a messed up relationship with the police I'm sad because I want to have children, and they will be black, and will then be the newest target for the ones in blue. I don't want to have to do a press conference. To tell people why my child didn't deserve to die like that, or that my child wouldn't commit suicide while in police custody. This entire ordeal has literally rocked my world.....the constant posts, the berated hatred, the number of friends Ii'm finding out who only like me because I'm "black-lite" is becoming overwhelming.... For my sanity and to save people from the pending wrath I've taken a bit of a break from Social Media and have been just in the word trying to figure out how God says we're supposed to handle this world.....but until I have the answers I pray!

Porcelain Doll

I guess it's my fault. I wanted to write again and I write better when I have negative emotions. Well I'm sad again. What everyone else wants for my life is what happens always. This whole desires of my heart thing never happens. Down to the concerts I go to and the guys I date. whatever anyone else wants for me is what i get. I can't even keep my peace. I'm over it./ I guess the moral of the story is to keep my head down and keep being a slave to what everyone else sees for my life. From the college I go to, to the place I live, to the care I drive. I learned a long tome ago that you can't depend on anyone, not even the one you're supposed to be able to depend on. Promises are empty and pointless.....well back to it being what everyone expects/ Back to being perfect. Quiet. Keep my head down. Do exactly what is expected. Keep your feelings and opinions to yourself. I was made to be a porcelain doll, not to be touched or played with. Made to sit on the shelf to make things look better like they have class like they are where they are supposed to be. I understand that, well back to that it is. Need to make sure my nails are done and my hair is done and I'm in my spot. I don't even have the ability of Andy's toys to move when no one is looking because someone is always looking. They are protecting me from hurting myself, I'm too fragile. I wasn't meant to feel. I was meant to keep the smile painted on my face. Well it's back. I will laugh at the right jokes and talk to the right people. No need to be a real person with real emotions........ Back to feel in the dark and pretending to be happy with everything. Just take what life gives you. I guess it's back to keeping myself sane by writing quietly where no one can see it or cares to see it..... Goodbye to the Anissa I thought I was becoming.....back to the one everyone expects me to be.

Hostile Much

So, I'm currently doing a research project of sorts for our Women's ministry at church. The project is that we have to pick a woman of the Bible, tell her story, and tell how she relates to us. I chose to pick Zipporah, the wife of Moses (the great Israelite Freer) and the mother of his children. My goal was to set out to equate her as his backbone....you know every great man has a strong woman backbone. I started my research, made some amazing discoveries that helped with my theory and then I ran across an explanation of her on one of my favorite Biblical research websites, Biblegateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/resources/all-women-bible/Zipporah# As I read it they talked about how she was a hinderance for Moses because she didn't believe the same things as him and how she was a boring woman to end the list of women in the Bible but I completely disagree. They talk about how she had a different belief system than Moses. But the truth of the matter is that Moses was raised Egyptian, so his moral compass was not yet that of an Israelite. There is a story of them where they talk about the fact that God was going to kill Moses and to stop that Zipporah circumcised their child and touched the foreskin to Moses feet. The circumcision is said to have calmed God's appetite for blood. The writer of the article I mentioned said that this could have been avoided if Zipporah had just shared the same belief as Moses. But who's to say that they ever discussed that. There is no writing in the Bible of when Moses learned all of the ways of the Hebrews when he fled Egypt. Where is the evidence that Moses even wanted his children circumcised. I choose to see this as an attack on women. Since the fall of Eve, women have been looked at as the cause of such affliction. Yes, Eve fell. But so did ADAM!! We have been the bad guys since the beginning of time. Just someone to blame when things don't go right. BUT, I do not choose to see Zipporah as that. I choose to see her as Moses confidant. The one who kept him from going crazy when things got rough. The one who made his exile from Egypt comfortable and bearable. I wanted to write to the writer of the passage on the website but I couldn't find anywhere to write. But I was angry and offended and hurt by it and I knew I needed to write it out......no more holding things in (but that's another post lol). So here it is. As pointless as it may seem to you, it meant amazing therapy for me. LOL

I'm a Brat

So something that I used to pride myself on was being spoiled without being a brat. Like I was always the kid who could take no and be okay with it. Or who understood when i couldn't have something. But as of late I've been realizing that I really am a spoiled Brat. I used to play it off by saying that I just like things a certain way. I'm just particular. I just know what I want in life. But the truth is I want what I want, when I want it, from who I want it. The only real problem with that is that i throw tantrums when I don't get what I want. Not like laying on the floor kicking and screaming, but they might as well be. I mean whether it's at work, or church, or in my relationship, or at home I do it. My tantrums are usually me shutting the world out. When people do something I don't like I have a tendency of never telling them but of shutting them out. I go into a bubbl, I don't answer calls or texts; and yet I don't feel that I need to explain myself to them. The thing is that sometimes it is very warranted, but instead of expressing myself I turn into a recluse. I don't want to talk, I don't want to hear their mouth, and I feel like no one understands. It sucks that the only people I really talk to are LeRonda, Brandon, Jermaine (if we were still talking), and something Bribri. Like I'm in a whole relationship and he will probably never fully understand me because I just can't bring myself to divulge myself to him. I don't want him to see me at my worst which means that he can't know the true me yet. The other problem is that my family always raised me as a Princess and with impossibly high standards, so as I get older it's hard for me to break these habits or to be lacks on what I expect. I like attention --- and I'm realizing that the reason I've been anti-relationship for the past few years is that without a relationship I can have a list of guys and when one is not giving me the attention I want, I can always go to the next. In a relationship you're not supposed to do that. But it's weird when you're dating someone who hates talking on the phone and you love it. Like I guess I already knew it about him but really NEVER? We have NEVER talked on the phone. WTFreak! And when I call to see what he would do if I start a phone convo he doesn't answer.......my other relationship complaint is the same one I've always had, and always dreaded. When someone has you they stop doing what it took to get you. We talk (and by talk I obvi mean text because he doesn't like to talk on the phone) a lot less. His urgency to talk to me and be with me seems so much less than it did when he was trying to get me. And that irks me. I just want someone who stays with the same intensity they always had. Someone who wants me just as bad at day 30 as he did at day 1........ I guess I just complain to much. Oh well, you gotta suck it up and live with your decisions rightr

I'm annoyed and I am ready to go home. Normally I would have tweeted this but in giviing up social networking for this fast I couldn't. but I needed to find a way to release the feeling or I would be sitting at my desk uber annoyed. I am the only "manager" available. Two are off and the othr two are training two people. To add to my normal responsibilities I need to do the breaks for all 17 people here today, a meeting recap and pick up any additional slack from my counterpart being out. I'm not saying that I am incapable or that I can't do it I am saying hat it is alot. i am saying that it is even worse when I am told to do something a certain way, and then something that was not scheduled overlaps it and because a specific person is involved it becomes more important. I am dire need to get away. I am annoyed, only slightly, that I have 500 things to do after work by 7pm. I am annoyed that I don't get any of my weekend to myself, ever. I am annoyed that everyone that I want to hang out with is either not in the state, "bad for me", or not speaking to me. I am annoyed that i am annoyed. I just need to get out of the office like ASAP I'm annoyed with stupid questions I am annoyed with people who stink I am annoyed that people always told me if I didn't have kids I could do what I want when I wanted and yet people's kids and their needs consume my life and take ver what i WANT to do I know that i am allowed to feel emotions that I am just not allowed to act on them and I am trying not to act but my attitude seems to be shot for the day I am annoyed that I feel like I'm doing an abundance of work today and no one else is doing anything I am annoyed that I can't tweet. I am annoyed that I can't eat meat. I'm just annoyed in general!

Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ---- So here we go again, I'm back at it relizing that I treat my blogs like red headed step children, but I do truly love them. They are like my online diary because very few people know, or even care about them. Today I went back and read my first Xanga, well some of it, and it is 10% hilarious who I was 8ish years ago when I first started it. I was a freaking junior in highschool. I am now officially 25 years old, going through my quarter life crisis. Working a dead end job, single., living at home with my mother, single as a dollar bill......all of the things I swore not to be at 25 when I was junior in highhschool. Like how depressing is that! But oddly enough I'm not nearly as depressed as I was during my senior year of highschool. I have so much more peace with life, it's really weird. In fact I have so much less going for me now than I did then, so why the heck was I so upset. I mean as a senior, I was in love (aww Maine), I had the promise of college, and my entire adulthood ahead of me. Now I'm washed up, lonely, and stuck......I guess it's true when they say God makes all the difference. It wasn't that I didn't know God in highschool, I just didn't know him like I know him now. It sounds so weird, but it is so true. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Updates: That group of siblings in the last blog, yea, null and void. Stuck on Jermaine? yea null and void. Circle of friends: yea null and void. I'm like a totally new person, and I absolutely love it. I mean there is so much more to be said and explained but I just don't feel like it right now.